Archive for November, 2007

apathy, work, life, and… did i say apathy?

Wednesday, November 21st, 2007

Over a month since the last post on here… I guess the whole ‘cool blog’ feeling kind of wore off. If anyone asked me to my face why I hadn’t updated the site recently, i’d probably say “i’ve been too busy”… well, that’s kind of true, but mostly bollocks.

Here’s a rundown of my daily life:
wake up.
watch tv (if working late) / go to work.
Work. Experience another 8 hours of uncertainty of what client i’ll be servicing in the near future. Express – ad infinitum – my professional grievances with respect towards our current client. Meetings, and other time-wasting activities. Write some code here and there.
Go home and read a book or watch tv.

Rinse and repeat.

if its a weekend, remove ‘Work’ from the equation.

And that’s about it really… occasionally I have to do such things as mowing, shopping, etc… but rarely do I ever sit down at the computer (or use the laptop infront of the tv) and *relax* like I used to… and that the thing, before married/defacto life, my form of relaxation was nerding it up on my pc with IRC and/or ‘fun’ unixey type activities. I was never a big gamer (and still can’t really justify the expense of WoW, come to think of it). I wasn’t really into music that much. In fact, recently my main non-work PC use has been in operating the media center software on my htpc (vista).

Now, with married life, I find that my PC activities have shifted more towards the non-geeky, non-consumer kind of use – use a pc when i need to, take advantage of the ‘consumer’ offerings (home theater), and thats about it. Before, I used to have a vast MP3 collection, and a pretty decent movie collection too, which I’d listen to/watch while chatting on the net or researching (playing / self-education) internetworking stuff. And now?

Apathy.

I’ve lost the enthusiasm I once had for the personal IT lifestyle, and I don’t think i’d ever quite get that back… which is probably a good thing. I recognise that that was a bachelor nerd’s lifestyle, not a married responsible husband’s life. And I don’t resent that… really!

My feeling at the moment is not one of complaint, just one of… apathy. As long as my emails and domains and media activities work fine, I don’t really have anything that pulls me towards any PC-based activities anymore. And it doesn’t end there.

The front gardens on my property need planting, and I guess they will be done before christmas. The gardens around the other sides of the house aren’t even garden beds yet… it just goes from mown grass to weeds. Talk about procrastination! The will is there – if i had the money, i’d pay someone to do it – but I can’t find the effort to do it myself.

In coding terms, i feel as if i’m in the middle of a ‘while’ loop which hasn’t finished yet. I’m waiting for a condition to be met before I can move on. Something needs to happen for things to change, and I dont know what it is… I need to be motivated to “get on with it”, but i’m not sure what aspect of my life needs changing… professionally, personally, recreationally…

I love the idea of doing the old nerdy stuff that I used to do, and I love the idea of new things too – currency trading, CreatioNova, etc – but… *shrug*

The expectation is there, with no apparent method of fulfilment; Its like i’ve just taken a deep breath, but my body doesn’t know how to exhale.

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